ENGLAND PART 2

First off: I have had so many messages and texts from all of you reading these and it WARMS my heart!! I am not really sure my purpose of writing other than it truly is creating a creative and "safe" space for me to share my life with you. Almost like an open diary,

My Dad commented on Facebook how interesting it is for him to read these and the different perspective I had as a young child verse what his is/was as an adult. I said I'd love to hear his side :) 

England Pt. 2

I remember having my first communion and my parents throwing a HUGE party. I don't know if it was in conjunction with something else (if it was, don' tell me. I was convinced this huge party was all about me), but I know I felt really special. The party was at the old, shut down school, down the street. Behind the school was a big open field with a hill. They had bouncy houses, and I think a slip and slide going down the hill. Food, music, games. There were so many people there and I remember it being such a huge celebration!!
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Anyone who knows me, knows how much music means to me. Listening, I can't play an instrument. Except for the national anthem o.n.e. key at a time on the keyboard, batman that doesn't sound like batman on the guitar, and hot cross buns on the recorder...talented I know!
However, listening to music does so much for me. As little as I can remember it's always been such a big part of my life. Maybe because I remember my Dad having music on pretty often. I'm not sure..  With that, can we talk about Spice Girls for a second? How lucky was I to be a Spice fan... in England!!! 1996 is when they released Wannabe. OBSESSED is an understatement. Sporty spice was my girl, and I was convinced I was just like her. Though, looking back I'd say I'm more of a mixture of ginger, scary, and baby spice ha! 
Aqua - Barbie Girl
Vengaboys - Boom Boom Boom
Luniz - I got 5 on it
All 4 One - I Swear
^ and I worry about what my kids listen to........  I blame it on having three older brothers!

Don't you hear a song, and it immediately takes you back to a particular place, time, or memory? 

My best friends in England were all British. I still talk to a few of them today - causally- on social media which I am so grateful for. We used to go to pubs with our parents and for some reason I remember almost all of the pubs having playgrounds for kids to play while the adults hung out and had a beer. 

There was a chemical spill that happened across the street from where we lived. It was a big "forest" field we used to go run around and play in. I can't remember the chemical, but I do remember people coming in and scanning our shoes and items and us not being able to go back to the field. Now again, these are MY memories as a young child, hoping my family can fact check me. 

Then something happened and it completely rocked our world. More so my parents and brothers. I can't remember the year... 
My Dad was headed to a basketball game, I do not remember if he was playing or if he was refereeing. My Dad took all three brothers and my brother's friend who lived just a few houses away. I was friends with his sister but that's all I really remember about the family. 
I begged and begged to go with, and I remember crying and being so sad I couldn't go and be with the boys. I THINK we had this old, gold, station wagon.... It had three seats in the back and two in the front. 
My bonus mom and I were sitting on the couch watching tv I am sure, or a movie when a knock came to the door. If I remember it was two or three policemen, and I don't know what they said I just remember my bonus mom frantically taking me next door to our friend's house for me to stay while she went (I think with the police?) to the hospital. My Dad had been in a car accident. It was that a complete accident. Something no one was in control of, except God. If I remember my brother dropped a cassette tape and my Dad leaned over his seat to pick it up and veered off a bridge... at least I think that's what happened. 
It was awful. My Dad and oldest brother came home that night, though, not in good shape. My other two brothers stayed overnight, maybe even more.
My brothers friend however, did not survive.  

For how young as I was, I think about that almost weekly. If not maybe even daily. We don't talk about it as a family. I think we are your typical midwestern family where it's uncomfortable or hard to talk about feelings or tough events. Therapy is teaching me to be more vulnerable, hence my blog. 

My amazing grandparents (my dad's parents) flew from Minnesota to England to be with us. Priests were in and out of our house. We had so much holy water in the home. I remember everything being so sad and so confusing. I also remember my brothers getting bullied at school and people saying bad things about my Dad. My brothers didn't take a lot of shit, so I think it got them in a fight or two, rightfully so. 

I often think about his family. Who are they? Where are they? Are they ok? Have they forgiven my Dad? 

I also think, was there music on when it happened or did they want to listen to music? What was the song that was on and if any, is it now a song that is skipped when heard?

If I remember our family wasn't allowed at the funeral. I can't imagine the hurt of his family and I will never judge someone's grief. Though, I didn't understand that at that time. 
I'm not sure my Dad or brothers had much closure on that event, but then again, I have no idea. That accident changed everything. I know my Dad lost faith in God after that. Questioned why him? I pray often my Dad regains his faith and forgiveness in God, and in himself. I hope he knows that it was an accident. 

So here we are. In England. My Dad, who was still a newlywed, still fairly new to the military, with four kids, now enduring the unspeakable weight of this tragic accident. 

As an adult, and now understanding more about life, my heart really breaks for this life changing event for all parties involved, in different ways.